Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Baby For The Shaffers - Dreaming of Pink and Blue

When I used to day dream of when we would get a positive pregnancy test the scenario in  my head went something like this: I would wake up thinking I'm sure this cycle didn't work (since they never do) but I'll still take the test because that's what you're supposed to do when you go through fertility treatments. After waiting the dreaded 3 minutes I would see the "pregnant" text show up on the home test. I would be so overwhelmed with emotions of happiness I would cry tears of joy; I would surprise my husband with the amazing news in a youtube worthy way and of course We would find an equally unique way to share our news with all our family and friends who have been waiting and praying with us for so many years for this cataclysmic event to unfold. 

In reality however things don't often go the way you imagine they will.

We went to California for a second round of treatment in July of this year (2016). We transferred 2 beautiful (5 day grade 2) embryos on July 4th and we lovingly referred to them as firecrackers, we celebrated our country's independence with music and fireworks and returned home for the dreaded 2 week wait.. And by the way the 2WW is a figurative term cause technically it's more like 10 days. This time around I had abdominal cramping the entire time and around day 6 I spotted a little. Blood test was scheduled for July 13th but since I was too anxious from getting a negative result on the previous cycle I decided to take a home pregnancy test this time around to prepare myself for the results. Woke up at 6 am on 07/12 And took a home pregnancy test. While waiting for the results I kept repeating in my head "please be pregnant, please be pregnant, please be pregnant..."  It's amazing how 3 short minutes can pack so many different emotions. 

Less than a minute into the wait time the window on the test displayed the words I've been dreaming about for 7 long years "pregnant". 

I sat there not knowing what to do with myself. I couldn't believe it was real. Was it finally our turn? I was grinning ear to ear and had to tell someone. 

It was 6:00 a.m. Jerry was still asleep but I had to wake him. I jumped into bed and woke him up asking "do you have a flashlight"? He turned on the iPod flashlight and I shoved the test in front of his squinting eyes; he smiled and hugged me and went back to sleep. Afterwards I just couldn't settle down, I was literally just holding the test and walking around the house not certain what to do next. I made sure to take a picture before the result disappeared (later to find out a positive result stays displayed for 6 months) cause I knew quite a few people would be so thrilled for us when we share the news.

The blood test was the day after and it confirmed it. We were "initially" pregnant. Our ivf clinic said to be cautiously optimistic and I'm thinking can you just let us enjoy the moment? My infertility coordinator at the OB office who's been seeing me for years was literally giggling on the other end of the phone when she told me the results. The first beta test (which measures the hcg levels) was 738 so that's definitely a positive. The second test on Friday confirmed it with a 1604... The clinic wants to see an initial number over 25 and the numbers are supposed to increase about 60% or double every 48 to 72 hours. 

I want to scream it off the roof tops. I'm still in shock. I can't believe we are at this stage. If you told me 2 weeks prior to expect a positive result I would have laughed in your face since Hubby is the optimistic one in our relationship.

Every day since we found out I go through a variety of emotions throughout the day. At times I feel out of breath, I get a mini anxiety attack, a knot in my stomach, disbelief, guilt, and scared it won't last. I hope as time goes by I will learn to embrace the new changes and the good happy feelings will last longer and longer. But for now we are taking it day by day, milestone by milestone.

On one hand I'm over the moon happy and eternally grateful for the best news in my life that I can't even begin to describe how I feel but on the other hand I'm trying to stay cautious since I'm petrified it won't last. I also feel a lot of guilt because there are still many women out there who continue to hope and pray for a similar outcome. Families who may be even more deserving than us. A lot of my friends are still struggling and it breaks my heart that they have to be in that situation. I pray that every family can find peace and a resolution on this journey whatever season they may be in. 

This journey has taken us a lot longer than I ever imagined possible, months turned into years in the blink of an eye, more injections than I can count, more doctors visits than I would ever want and I know it would have seemed even longer and lonelier without the support and prayers of all our family and friends. My Hannah Group support group has been such a great gift that I don't think I could have stayed as optimistic as I am without their constant prayers on our behalf.

I still can't believe I'm typing these words but with a little bit of faith and a little bit of science we are so overjoyed and blessed to finally share with you some God sent good news that we are expecting a baby due March 2017 and we hope you will stick around to share with us the rest of this roller coaster ride.

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