I love going to my Hannah's support group, there i get to let it all out. We talk about everything, it's a safe place to share our thoughts and feelings without fear of judgement. Yesterday's meeting was really emotional, to say i cried my eyes out is an understatement.
Talking to the brave women in the group is bringing me to the realization that labeling myself /us as a couple as Infertile isn't really helping our case on the emotional level... but what are our other options? Parents in waiting? and if it never happens, then what? Parents at heart? Please spare me the BS this is just some statement that someone came up with to make themselves feel less guilty when they are celebrating their joyous moments of parenthood (as they should be).
I feel that once one is on the Infertility band wagon there is no way off of it. It will be part of my life always. Even if one ends up getting pregnant and having a live birth i imagine i will still carry the hurt with me throughout my life. I feel i will always have to tip toe around someone.
When you first share with family and friends that pregnancy is not something that will happen easily for your family the initial responses are always ones of support and encouragement, after all you are still on the first step, admitting that you have a problem. Then you start finding support groups, blogging and joining facebook groups and this is where things start to be tricky.
If you are just starting out a treatment cycle, there are always people in the group that just found out they are not pregnant so you have to be mindful of their feelings.
If you just find out that your treatment cycle failed, there is always someone in the group that just found out they got a positive pregnancy test so you need to congratulate them and express your joy for them because otherwise you will be considered to be a sour puss.
If you share your every treatment, grief and concern some of your friends/supporters will get to the point of not wanting to deal with it anymore.
If you keep some of your plans to yourselves someone will always be disappointed because they will think you don't trust them enough to share your struggles... trust me some days i just want to have amnesia.
If you blog about Infertility, you will get some followers and supporters up to the day when you do get pregnant (regardless if this pregnancy results in a live birth) then you will lose a lot of people who were there during your infertile days, which is kinda strange because it makes it look like they were secretly thinking that it will never happen for you???
If you suffer a loss, you will gain some different kinds of followers.
If you get pregnant, you are expected to not complain about the pregnancy, after all you asked for this and no one wants to listen to you whine about any of it. You prayed and begged and paid money for this nice/miserable pregnancy so Enjoy it!!!!
If you're on Facebook you're expected to be considerate about other friends you know who are still struggling with Infertility and not post pictures or put your ultrasound as your profile picture.
It's kinda leaving me in the position of thinking I'm damned if I do and i'm damned if I don't.
Why do i have to be thinking about all these choices? Some people don't understand how heartbreaking and all consuming it is to want something so bad that literally every decision you make in your life is based on if it will help or damage your quest to become a parent... even if it is as simple as updating a Facebook status.
Please don't feel bad for me or think i'm just an unhappy person.
On the contrary we have a happy marriage, supporting and loving family and friends and good jobs. We are not lacking in any aspect and we are grateful for all our blessings. If i were to explain my feelings about Infertility on a daily basis it would be like this; imagine you are asleep, having a wonderful pleasant dream regardless of the content of this dream and then you suddenly wake up realizing/remembering that you're in a hospital bed missing a limb. I know people go on to have happy and fulfilling lives missing a body function or another but i wonder don't they ever stop and think oh, it sure would have been nice if i had all my bodily functions?
I'm not going around 24/7 carrying this chip on my shoulder but that one single instant when i actually consciously realize that we are still childless that's when it hurts the most.
Will it ever get better?