Saturday, December 29, 2012

I should be Happy

I should be.

I got almost everything i wanted this Christmas. We are spending the Holidays surrounded by Family and Friends. We are healthy. We have a roof over our heads. Hell i should be ecstatic, and  I was happy the majority of time leading to Christmas Day, until i wasn't anymore.

I know a lot of my fellow friends who are in the same boat as us know what i'm talking about, that even though we know how unlikely it is for it to happen we still hope that somehow we will have our Christmas Miracle. Christmas Day came and all chances of that happening were effectively down the drain. I spent the day avoiding Facebook cause i was worried someone out there will be announcing their own news of Miracles and i just was not in the mood to have to roll my eyes (to myself) and get fake excited for their news. Some days i seriously wish the desire to have a child would go away so i don't have to get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach every month.

Going through great length to have a child changes you forever. We will never be the same. Even if/when we do get pregnant i feel the ghost of IF will always be hovering around. With the Holidays almost behind us we're hoping to soon get back on track and start getting referrals once again from our adoption/foster care agency, hopefully 2013 will be a more merciful year for our family.


  1. I know exactly how you feel - went through it for years. love you <3

  2. I feel your pain Carole. I hope that one day this blessing will happen for you, one way or another.