Sunday, October 14, 2012

On The Fence

When i opened up about our Infertility i was hoping it would encourage some of my friends who are going through similar struggles to share their experiences, with me or with their friends, and to a certain degree they have. I'm glad my friends feel they can talk to me. I was talking to one of my friends today and the baby making subject came out. She shared that she's not sure that she wants to have children but she still feels the pressure of the biological clock specially with a lot of our friends having children left and right. She shared and i agree that seeing all of our friends' baby photos plastered all over facebook doesn't help.A lot of her friends are pressuring her saying having a baby it's the most amazing thing ever. I can't confirm or deny either way but just because an experience is the most amazing thing to one person it doesn't mean it will be the same type of experience for every other person on this planet. If people decide they don't want to have kids that is their decision to make and their life to live. Just because someone is capable of having a child doesn't mean they have to.

I've been thinking about motherhood a lot in the last few years and i've noticed a couple of things. Most of the people i know do not share the sad, miserable, bad experiences of parenthood. Most of the photos on facebook are of birthdays, family outings, happy, clean, laughing, playing, cuddling babies. I don't see any of my friends posting photos or videos of their kids having temper tantrums in the middle of a store, i don't see them posting photos of a baby screaming his or her lungs out at 2 am, videos of the baby puking or having constant diarrhea, photos of miserable looking parents cause they haven't had a good night sleep for several nights and they're ready to break down, No one shares the misery of parenthood because it seems we all want to cherish the positive and toss the negative out.

I notice that a lot of our friends who have kids don't have very good marriages. People can fake it but at the end of the day "shit always floats". Don't get me wrong I'm not saying the kids are causing rifts in marriages at all but people having kids to fix marriages make it worse.

A lot of parents play the martyr card, starting with my own mom. I've heard so many times about parents not doing something, not going somewhere, not buying something because they want to put their kids first. Kids grow up and you know what? a lot of kids don't really appreciate you skipping on a couple's night out once a month to hang out with them when they were 4 or 5 years old. I've seen parents trying to extort their kids using the sacrifice card, trying to guilt their kids into doing what they want and you know what? it doesn't work.

Bottom line is if people want to promote parenthood to childless couples they should tell them both sides of the story, don't just share the good stories, share the bad stories as well. If an individual wants to make a decision on something so life altering as having a child he/she should be allowed to make an informed decision.It's a lifetime commitment.

A little challenge to my friends with kids if anyone is willing to take it, please share your miserable day with me, you know that day when you were secretly thinking "i can't do this", or "i want out", i know you all had one or two of those...


  1. I Love you! On the fence! That's me.

  2. you will make up your mind when you're ready to, take your time :) love you, always

  3. there are days when I LIVE for nap time, the kids need rest but mostly I need a break! On those days specifically, the kids decide NOT to nap. It makes me want to scream and cry because the rest of the day will be a disaster..they will be cranky and throw fits (bc theyre exhausted) and I'll pray bedtime comes soon. there, that is a real day in the life of this mom!

  4. I wholeheartedly agree with you, no one ever tells you how hard parenthood can be. Forget how hard it is to become a parent for some of us, once you finally get there - you are overjoyed over this child, but it doesn't automatically make everything wine and roses. However, the joyous parts do overshadow the really crappy parts most of the time, and it's a job I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. But, like with all jobs, it has it's glamorous parts, and the really un-fun, dreary life sucking parts too.

    Once when I was having a really, really hard day, my husband in a thoughtless moment told me "you wanted to be a mother". Surprisingly, I did not give him the verbal smackdown that he so deserved at that moment - but I did think about it. And later, I reminded him that every day he complains about some really horrible part of his job - and that doesn't mean he doesn't want to have the job - but with every job there are good parts and bad parts. I think we have to acknowledge all of them and it shouldn't be shameful to admit that parts of parenting are harder than we ever imagined, and parts are more rewarding and heartwarming than we ever thought could be possible.